I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize