All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
