the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
