Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
