Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
