Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wish my penis had a tongue
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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