All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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