I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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