My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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