well you can't waste a boner
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
