Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
