You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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