4 words: hood of his car
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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