New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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