I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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