if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
