He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
