highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
