I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
