Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
