Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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