He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
