my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
