I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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