he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
