my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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