Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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