I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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