just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
