Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
