You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
