Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
