i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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