remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
