If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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