At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
