Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize