I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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