I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
