I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
