my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
