At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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