My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
