I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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