i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
