Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
