Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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