I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
