i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
