Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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