dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize