As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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