I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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