I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
