y did u give ur computer a hand job?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
