Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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