Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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