you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
